Addicted
To The Addicted
Dalene Entenmann
The first rays of morning sun filtered through the blinds
of the bedroom window. After another long sleepless night,
with head pounding and a queasy stomach tied up in knots,
I had the most amazing thoughts.
I have what feels like a hangover, only I haven’t been
drinking. No, once again, I had spent the night in a state
of frenzied insomnia worried and angry about the loved one
in my life who was out drinking all night.
The same obsessive, primary focus alcohol has in the alcoholic’s
life, I have for the alcoholic in my life. The same dedicated
commitment of time and energy the alcoholic has for consuming
more alcohol is the same amount of time and energy I have
to educating myself about alcoholism and the origins of alcoholism
and what to do about alcoholism. The same love/hate relationship
the alcoholic has with alcohol, I have with the alcoholic.
As many times as the alcoholic gets fed up and burnt out with
the consequences of their drinking, swearing off alcohol with
"this is the last time I am going to do this", is probably
the same number of times I have sworn off the alcoholic with
those same words.
In those times when I actually left the alcoholic in my life,
banishing them as the source of all my inner pain and anguish,
I became acutely aware of having withdrawal symptoms. Life
felt disorganized and empty. Of course, eventually I began
again with the alcoholic, the same way the alcoholic begins
again with alcohol. It’s always rosy in the beginning.
Those first days. Just like that first couple of drinks. This
time it will be different. Right?
Addicted to the addicted, oh, what could possibly be sadder?
At this realization, all I wanted to do was pull the covers
over my head and disappear from the world. But then, that
is what I had already done - long ago. I had focused all my
thoughts, feelings, sense of responsibility and energy on
another human being for so long, that I had ceased to exist
as a primary figure in my own life. The alcoholic loses themselves
in a bottle of booze, I lose myself in the alcoholic.
Back on that morning, I couldn’t have told you what I
was attempting to medicate within myself with someone outside
myself or what I was trying to avoid. In a feeling of absolute
desperation that those amazing thoughts created for me, I
did know I wanted and needed help. It has been and continues
to be interesting, and I won’t kid you, at times highly
uncomfortable. Change is.
If you find yourself one morning having similarly amazing
thoughts, here are some of the things I did to begin to heal:
Alcoholism Aficionado
I am a walking Willamina World Book of encyclopedic knowledge
when it comes to the disease of alcoholism. I didn’t
suffer from the consumption of alcohol as an actively drinking
alcoholic, the alcoholic(s) in my life did and it occurred
to me that perhaps they were the ones who should, if they
ever decided to, acquire some in-depth understanding of the
complexities of the disease.
Unless I am going to become a health professional working
in the recovery field or someone creating a educational documentary
about alcoholism, a simple working definition about alcoholism
will suffice and it might be best to focus on the more personal
matters at hand.
I could take on the same focus and quest for knowledge and
understanding about the addictive process I expressed through
my being that I once applied to the lives of others. I began
to read about codependency and other addictions that I appeared
to be manifesting all on my own. Which led me to:
I’m Always The Last To Know
While I was beginning to become aware of the character defects
and attributes someone who is other-oriented, like me, exhibits,
and the addictive levels these defects can take, I couldn’t
relate most of them to me. I sure could see them in the other
people in my life. I found myself discovering all kinds of
neat information I felt compelled to share with those I knew
were affected by these character defects. Thankfully, I did
not act out on this, or I probably wouldn’t have any
friends or family left on speaking terms with me now.
Instead, I adopted this belief. If I can see it in someone
else, it is a part of me. When I have a desire to "help" someone
else with all this newly-developed focus and insight, I need
look no further, as Dorothy said, than my own backyard. There’s
no place like Kansas and Kansas is me. Anytime I observed
a character trait in someone else I admired, I reminded myself
that I wouldn’t be able to recognize it unless I already
"knew" it, therefore it was also a character trait I possessed
within my character.
If I truly esteemed a particular trait in someone else I could
spend time developing and nurturing that trait within me.
I applied this, as well, to the character defects I noticed
in others. I accepted the perspective that I could only see
"it" if I already "knew" it, that the defect was also part
of who I had become. If the defect of character trait in another
person was truly appalling or repelling to me, I could go
to work on finding a way to take a negative and turning it
into a positive within myself.
Years ago, I remember taking a test to determine if I had
an entrepeneurial personality. I scored rather high on it
in areas of independence, ability to work alone, self-directed,
confidence in decision-making ability, persistence and perseverance.
These traits, when applied to the entrepreneurial business
world were a positive. These same traits, when applied to
personal relationships, had been a negative.
However, emotionally having to admit to any aspect of my character
being undesirable was extremely difficult for me to accept.
Which led me to:
What Do You Mean, I’m Not The "Good One"
I kept telling everyone, including myself, that my overwhelming
control was an act of love and concern. In reality, this need
to control is a mere ruse for avoiding inner terror and chaos
that will surface if there is a pause in my all-encompassing
need to escape myself by focusing on others. I was cheerfully
helpful. I had advice. I had the answers. I had the solutions
to other people’s problems. I knew which way to go. Of
course, in order to dispense this advice, supply answers and
give directions, I needed to gain access to most of the intimate
details of other people’s lives. Nothing was sacred.
I was often judgmental and critical. My need to feel superior
and capable caused me to diminish others value or respect
their right to being.
In the back of my mind, I know the world sees me as the "good
one" and the alcoholic(s) in my life, whose actions I am victimized
by and suffer through, as the "bad one". I don’t have
to do anything to gain this status, except stand next to the
alcoholic. In reality, I express many of the same defects
of character as the alcoholic. I am more the "same" than I
am "different" or "better than". We are two sides of the same
coin.
However, society rewarded and esteemed my long-suffering behaviors
without seemingly holding me accountable for the part I might
be playing in it. I didn't do anything to correct this misconception.
Did I see myself doing any of this? Sometimes. Did I allow
myself to remain focused on this fleeting glimpse of reality?
No. I couldn’t, which led me to:
I Don’t Really Want To Do This Alone Anymore But
Swirling through my head at lightening speed came these objections
to breaking through the barriers of self-imposed isolation:
if I expose my weaknesses then my weaknesses will used against
me at some point; if I reveal myself and my inner thoughts
and feelings nobody is going to understand and everybody is
going to reject me; people will find out who I really am and
what I have been up to, they’ll just say it’s my
fault so I should be able to get myself out of it. I got stuck
here for awhile - living in my head.
Facing My FEAR
Living in my head might be safe but it wasn’t getting
me ahead. Although my inner survival instinct told me I had
everything to lose, a smaller quieter but growing voice was
telling me I had nothing to lose and everything to gain in
reaching in and reaching out. To risk is to change, to change
is to grow. Which lead me to:
Connecting To Self And Others
This is where support groups became beneficial. It gave me
a place where I could open myself to others and also get feedback
and encouragement to move towards healthier behaviors. Support
groups are a safe place. I began to focus less and less on
others and focus more and more on myself. Becoming involved
in support groups led me to:
I Quit
I quit! I quit! I quit! believing I am the center of the universe.
I don’t want to run the whole show anymore. I don’t
want to be the "one", good or bad. I want to embrace the imperfection
and feel a part of the whole. I accept that there is a magnificent
power far greater than me in charge of everything that lives
and breathes and all I have to do is let go. Which led me
to:
Spirituality
God. Not the God of my childhood. A benevolent God I can trust
for the highest good of all concerned. Now, each night when
I rest my head on my pillow and call it a day, I can sleep
well, knowing that I am not responsible for everything and
everyone else, nor the comings and goings, nor the decisions
and actions of others and the world is being cared for without
any opinion or direction from me.
This article is a collection of snippets from personal stories
reflecting some common themes and perspectives presented in
a single feature article by
Dalene Entenmann. ©1998
FOR FURTHER HELP WITH THE PROBLEMS OF LIVING AND LOVING
AN ACOHOLIC OR ADDICT,
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