Many
of us experience a need to control others. We want others
to see things and do things our way. Shostrom (1968) described
several types of manipulators:
1.The dictator: wants to control others by orders, i.e. by
virtue of his/her authority, position, status, or rank. Such
a person believes he/she knows what is right and what you
should do.
2.The weakling: controls or defies authority by using his/her
weakness, sometimes in powerful ways, such as "Oh, I forgot,"
"I didn't understand," "I just can't do it," or "I'm so nervous."
This is passive-aggressiveness.
3.The calculator: sees the world as a contest of wits. He/she
is constantly plotting, conning, pressuring, persuading, selling,
seducing, or trying to outwit others.
4.The clinging vine: wants to be cared for, dependent, submissive,
and faithful. As a helpless, grateful, cuddly child, he/she
gets others to do a lot for him/her.
5.The bully: uses his/her anger, toughness, viciousness, and
threats to intimidate others and get his/her way. The "tough
guy" and "the bitch" are common characters.
What can you do about being manipulated?
First, recognize what is happening. Second, stand up for your
rights. Think and decide for yourself; assert yourself. Build
your self-esteem so that you are not overly dependent on others.
What if you are the manipulator? Controllers or manipulators
use five basic methods of persuading or influencing others
(Kipnis & Schmidt, 1985):
(1) Carefully stating the reasons and logic for changing,
(2) assertively reminding and urging someone to change,
(3) soliciting others to support your proposals, (
4) going over someone's head to get support from "higher ups,"
and
(5) working out a deal so you get part of what you want.
Naturally, different leaders use different methods:
(1) the "steam rollers" go for broke and aggressively use
all the methods--they won't take no for an answer, and may
even threaten, shout, and demand,
(2) the "rational ones" rely only on hard facts, logical analysis,
careful plans, and compromise,
(3) the "pleasers" actively persuade others but mostly "politic,"
focusing on offering "pay offs," flattery, and personal charm,
and
(4) the "onlookers" mostly stay out of the controversy.
In a second study, Schmidt and Kipnis (1987) found that the
"steam rollers" got the lowest job evaluations, contrary to
what is taught by some Business Schools. Male "steam rollers"
were disliked even more than female "steam rollers," contrary
to the common notion that pushy women are the most resented.
Sexism does occur, however, when you ask, "Who got the best
job evaluations?" "Rational" men and "Pleaser" or "Onlooker"
women! Conclusion: men's ideas and women's quiet pleasantness
are valued, not women's ideas nor men's pleasant passivity.
Note what methods you use to influence people in different
situations. Consider the possible advantages of using the
rational approach. Nasty aggressive tactics put others down
while soft tactics may put you down. Practice relating to
others as intelligent, reasonable equals and in a manner whereby
both of you can be winners.
Unconscious controlling of others
The manipulations described above involve conscious, overt
control (requesting, persuading, buying off, threatening)
or conscious-to-the-controller but hidden-to-the-victim control
(deception).
Beier and Valens (1975) concentrate on a third kind of control--unaware
control.
Neither controller nor controlee realize the purpose or goal
(like in "games"). The authors say unconscious control is
the most common, powerful, and effective control. Many forms
of unaware control are learned by young children: cuteness,
weakness, illness, fear, anger, sadness, goodness, giving,
love, etc. These acts and feelings can all be used to subtly
influence others.
There is obviously no quick, conscious defense against this
control, because we don't know what is happening or how. Is
there any defense at all? Yes, learn how to detect the subtle
control, then extinguish it by preventing the payoffs. It
can be done.
Here are the steps, suggested by Beier and Valens, for avoiding
"unaware control."
(1) Become as unemotional as possible so you can observe the
interaction (with the controlling person) as objectively as
possible.
(2) Observe the effects, i.e. note the results of your interactions,
and assume that whatever happens (especially repeatedly) was
the unconsciously intended outcome. If you got mad...or felt
guilty...or gave them a loan, assume that was the other person's
unconscious intent. Don't be mislead by the person's words
or "logic," don't try to figure out what made you respond
the way you did, just note what pay offs the other person's
actions and/or feelings lead to.
(3) Disengage from the relationship--stop responding in your
usual, controlled-by-other-person way. Be understanding, not
angry. Listen, but don't rescue him/her. Become passive resistant
to the controller; then, observe his/her reaction to your
non-response.
(4) Next is the key step: now, instead of giving the old manipulated
response or no response, give a new surprising response that
does not go along with what the manipulator expects (and unconsciously
wants) but does not threaten him/her either.
Example: suppose a person (child, spouse, boss) gets attention
and status by being nasty and yelling. You could start responding
differently by simply saying, "It's good to express your feelings."
You give no argument, you show no fear of his/her long verbal
abuse, and you make no concessions and don't cater to his/her
whims.
(5) Give him/her space--just let the other person find a new
and better way to interact with you. You should not try to
become a controller of the other person and tell him/her what
to do; instead, be free to experiment with different styles
of interacting with this person.
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